The Demons In My Lunchbox: Introduction

This book of memories has been in the making for several years. I’d get to a certain point, then stop. Ten pages in, twenty pages in, and I put it aside for weeks, sometimes months. Suddenly those months turned into years, and I’d ask myself, why do I do this? What am I afraid of exactly? Then I’d question myself, wondering what people will think of me? Will they believe me? Will my family be destroyed? Will this cause a ruckus? What will happen?  

This fear resides deep in my inner being because I have silenced these buried secrets far too long. Now, the purpose of this memoir is not to seek revenge against those who hurt me. It is simply to share with all of you that my life matters because I am created in the eyes of Jesus. Through Him, I am redeemed, and because of Him, I can publicly proclaim forgiveness over something that has held me captive for nearly two decades.  

It is frightening to expose my inner most secrets and deepest thoughts, but it’s scarier knowing that I have been living a lie for the majority of my life and masking myself from the world around me. As a direct result of building these walls of shame, guilt, and condemnation, I have lost sight of what is important in this life, and that, my friend, is a continuing growing, authentic relationship with my personal Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.  

Before I dive into the Demons in My Lunchbox and begin sharing my story, I need to say that without God this would be impossible. My Creator has come to my rescue. He has saved me from myself and a long road of nothingness. I am clouded with a spiritual depression because I’ve been walking around with a two-ton boulder on my shoulders and a dark cloud over my head because I am too prideful and angry to get on my knees and surrender my fears, anxieties, and insecurities in the name of the Almighty.  

     Psalm 139 offers a shimmering light of peacefulness, calmness, and freedom to my spirit. I invite you to read this scripture with me before I share my God-story:  

O Lord, You have searched me and known me. 

You know my sitting down and my rising up; 

You understand my thoughts afar off. 

You comprehend my path and my lying down. 

And are acquainted with all of my ways. 

For there is not a good works on my tongue, 

But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether. 

You have hedged me behind and before, 

And laid Your hand upon me. 

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; 

It is high, I cannot attain it. 

Where can I go from your spirit? 

Or where can I flee from your presence? 

If I ascend into heaven, You are there; 

If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. 

If I take the wings of the morning, 

And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, 

Even there Your hand shall lead me, 

And your right shall hold me, 

If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall on me,” 

Even the night shall be light about me; 

Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You, 

But the night shines as the day; 

The darkness and the light are both alike to You. 

For you formed my inward parts; 

You covered me in my mother’s womb. 

I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; 

Marvelous are Your works, 

And that my soul should know very well. 

My frame was not hidden from You, 

When I was made in secret, 

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. 

Your eyes saw substance, being yet unformed. 

And in Your book they were all written, 

The days fashioned for me, 

When as yet there were none of them. 

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! 

How great is the sum of them! 

If I should count them, they would be more in numbers than the sand; 

When I awake, I am still with You. 

Oh, that You would slay the Wicked, O God! 

Depart from me, therefore you bloodthirsty men. 

For they speak again You wickedly; 

Your enemies take Your name in vain. 

Do I not hate them, O Lord, who hate You? 

And do I not loathe those who rise up against You? 

I hate them with perfect hatred; 

I count them my enemies. 

Search me, O God and know my heart; 

Try me, and know my anxieties; 

And see if there is any wicked way in me, 

And lead me in the way everlasting. 

 

“The unexamined life is not worth living” (Socrates). 

 

Do you ever wonder how some people have the ability to overcome life’s obstacles while others fall victim to the cycle of an abuse phenomenon? I do. I can only sympathize with the cycle of abuse so much because there are people in this grueling world that have gone through some ugly scenarios and survived some horrific conditions who’ve been transformed with a spirit so soft, you’re left wondering how on earth did this happen?  

I am one of these people.  

I have listened to stories, mostly from my own family members saying, “if you only knew, if you walked in my shoes and been where I have been then you’d understand.” Newsflash! I don’t want to be where you have been or go where you have gone. The truth of the matter is that I am on my own journey; I have my own story to tell, a story of triumph.  

I celebrate daily through my God-given ability to be vulnerable enough to put myself out there to be judged, ridiculed, and possibly rejected. But, truth is truth. I can hide from it or I can embrace it. I chose to embrace and to expose the scars life has bestowed on me, secrets that have been shoved under the rug and locked behind closed doors far too long. This is my story, and you are free to feel however you wish. I prefer victory over pity and joyousness over sadness. Life is complicated and messy.  

I have two options: to fight for freedom or to throw in the towel and drown in deprecation of self-pity, depression, and fear of the unknown. I choose light over darkness, life over death. Come...walk with me as I introduce you to the demons in my lunchbox.